downs & ups

For the sake of keeping track of myself on this thing ... ugh. Tonight after work, after I tried to pick up my mentee and she wasn't there, my mood started to turn, then Ash Wednesday service just turned me inward & upset & self-pitying, again, (must be my favorite mindset, that one) and I had to just get out of there and like ... I was just exhausted by the whole thing. By the emotional merry-go-round this whole thing has been; by the act of having to juice & get everything planned out and ready ahead of time & having to schedule life around that; and by just the self-scrutiny this whole thing has brought on. It wasn't supposed to be for spiritual reasons! I wanted to do this cleanse to keep myself from eating Oreos all the time & to get rid of my headaches. I'm sick of analyzing my thoughts and my heart and where I am with God and how much I fall short. That's all I'm thinking about! (In this moment, at least; it's sure to change in the next 30 seconds, and I'm sick of that too. I'm getting emotional whiplash.) And I hate that all I do is complain. Blogs are for personal expression, I guess, so maybe it's all right to complain here, but I'm getting sick of hearing myself talk to other people about this. No one else really gets it, because (a) they're not going through it and (b) they're not me, and YES I know how self-indulgent and whiny and "wah wah poor me" I sound right now, and I hate that even more, but I'm trying to be honest in this. I got in my car after church tonight and just broke down because I felt so weak and disgusted with my weakness, and self-centered and disgusted with my self-centeredness, and just ... both utterly helpless and utterly aware that I did in fact have the power to right my mood if I wanted to. And crying for no good reason makes me feel even more like shit. Jesus, could I be any more of a hormonally imbalanced female?

UGH.
— molls