Day 4; truck derailed

OK, if this morning was all right, then this afternoon has not been.

I'm feeling spiteful. This is something that new friends probably don't believe/see in me, but I have a hateful, angry, vindictive streak that runs quite deep. Mostly I guess it lashes out at family, but maybe missing all real food is making me irritable, and emotions are running a bit closer to the surface.

I almost punched my coworker/cried when he saw my green lunch juice (kale, spinach, carrots, apple; not bad at all) and accused me of "fad dieting." How dare he! I'm not doing this as part of a fad; I'm doing it as a personal challenge/cleanse/reordering of my mind/exercise in self-control. Not jumping on the bandwagon. I didn't even know this WAS a bandwagon. (That I grew so irate & almost tearful is both a sign of my Irishness, I think, and the fact that I still care way too much what other people think of me. Sigh. Will that ever go away? Doubtful.) And I don't like people referring to this as a diet. I've lost a few pounds, which is great, but that's not the point of it. "Dieting" throws me in with all the people who are trying to get skinny with no other goals in mind — and "fad dieting" makes me feel like a sheep following the poorly informed herd.

And for other reasons, too, this afternoon just has me down in the dumps. Right now, the juice fast doesn't feel like some positive, exciting thing, but rather, something I'm going to finish because I started it. (Which I am; I'm stubborn and ornery and don't have any good reason to stop, because I'm feeling good and the headaches are gone.)

But it worries me. If I lose sight of the positive in this, then it becomes a chore, and it becomes much more likely that I will return to old habits. And that will be out of spite, too. I experienced this while in Port Townsend; my friends there were such hippies (and I love them, don't get me wrong) that it made me want to throw my recycling in the trash, deliberately ignore organic food, refuse to buy local, use paper towels instead of reusable cloth ones ... it's bad! And I don't know where it comes from, that desire to push back against people who are pushing so hard to just be healthy and save the Earth. I'm just an ornery person all around.

I've found lots of good healthy recipes I'm excited to try, but I still see that as punishment for years of eating poorly, rather than a positive lifestyle change. It will never be what I would choose on my own, if I had my absolute druthers.

It will never be as good as Oreos.

— molls