Day 16: Forward motion

You'd think today would be overt rejoicing for me, as I prepare to eat my first solid food in more than two weeks tonight.

And sure, I'm excited to cook. The stuffed squash I have planned for tonight is delicious. And I'm excited to finally get to try the nut butters I made on Saturday.

But more than excitement, what I'm feeling now — and have been feeling for the past few days as I looked ahead to the end of the juice fast — is caution, apprehension, and a very real fear that if I don't stay tightly controlled this week, I will simply revert back to my previous eating habits.

To that end, I just typed up a schedule of what I'm eating this week. I hope I won't have to continue this, but for now, I want to stay regimented so I won't be tempted to undo all the good work of the past 16 days. If I have clearly defined rules in place ahead of time, I am much more likely to stick to them.

So dinner tonight will be the stuffed squash. Breakfast tomorrow (and all week) will be juice, and I'll be stocking up on some more staple juice produce tonight at the grocery store to be prepared for that. Lunch tomorrow will be the leftover squash, and then dinner for the rest of the week will also be juice. I'll probably still be sticking with the ones I like (variations of the carrot-apple-cuc-spinach variety) and also trying to use up all the chard and cabbage still left in my fridge ...

Lunches are when I'll eat solid food, partly because I'm kind of tired of having to bring my gross-looking juices to the company fridge at work, and partly because I think it'll help me stay controlled at home in the evening. I'll be preparing the lunches the night before, so I'll be cooking solid food at dinner time, but I won't eat any of it. This will be hard, but I know I can do it, since I had to make all those nut butters without trying them this weekend.

So: Healthy lunches for Wednesday and Thursday: Sauteed/stir-fry veggies with mushrooms, peppers, zucchini, broccoli and garlic, served over a little bit of rice. Veggie tacos on whole-wheat tortillas with avocado, tomato, black beans, cucumber, lime and sauteed peppers, plus a little leftover rice.

Friday I'm going to go back to a juice lunch, because — vainly — I want to look & feel my trimmest when I go to the west side.

Healthy snacks, which will not be consumed at home; only during the day, as needed: Apple and celery slices with the cashew/almond/peanut butter; raw peppers and broccoli with hummus; avocado with lemon and salt; frozen banana-peanut butter ice cream, as a treat if absolutely craving.

The following week, I think I'll start making oatmeal for breakfast, adding in bananas and apples and frozen berries and whatnot. Maybe make homemade granola? We'll see.

This sounds so strict ... and probably isn't a good way to live, but I want to set up good habits and stick to them. Otherwise, this juice fast will have been just another fad diet, and that's what I've worked to avoid this whole time. These 16 days will not be in vain!

And for what I had planned to be my food-indulgent weekend in Oly/Seattle ... I'm worried about that. I still want to get butter chicken, pad thai and Chipotle, but I'll have to be careful about spreading the dishes out into multiple meals. Wings at Finns sounds really good, but the more I think about it, the more I imagine it would really hurt my stomach to eat something so spicy ... I don't know what I'll do about that. I wanted to go to Finns & gather a few friends there, but I'm not going to be drinking alcohol, and if I don't eat the wings, either, it might be kind of silly to choose that spot.

And speaking of alcohol; my friend is saying he wants to take everyone out to drinks in Oly after this climbing comp they have, but I think even cider (and they have my favorite hard cider, Spire Dark & Dry, on tap at the bar near the gym) would really make me feel ill.

OK, here's the plan. I will bring two to three juices with me in my cooler, and so I'll still have at least one meal replaced with juice over the weekend. I don't want the weekend to be a total let-go; it would be nearly impossible to come back to order once I get back home.

Man, I'm just really nervous! I'm worried about feeling bloated all the time, as even a small amount of solid food will probably feel really weird after running on liquid for so long; I'm worried about my ability to resist peer pressure, as friends who know I've been juicing will also know that I'm off the fast now, and they'll try to get me to eat things ... gah!

Also worried that my skin will never stop being dry & cracked ... my hands hurt so bad from washing vegetables & the juicer all the time. Wah-wah.

This is really where the hard work starts. This is the gray area after 16 days of black-and-white, easy-to-remember rules. And I feel myself being pulled into this super harsh discipline, and I know that's not what I want to be long-term. In "Sex God" (which is not about food at all, but so many things seem to overlap), Rob Bell writes about how we're not called to give in to all our urges, because that would make us like animals, and we're not called to resist all urges, because that would make us like angels. We're human, and we're called to live in the tension between the two. And that's so hard!

Well, we'll see. I've just proven to myself that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, so hopefully I'll remember that as I undertake the next step in this journey toward a healthy lifestyle.

And just to take a moment and recognize it — today is my 16th day. I've already had my breakfast and lunch juices. I really did last that whole time, and never gave in to temptation.

That's pretty remarkable, you know? "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Word, yo.

— molls