What I thought about on the way to work today, drinking my not-as-delicious-as-I-anticipated cucumber-watermelon-apple juice:
— Food is everywhere. I never noticed or thought about it much before, but now that I can’t have any of it, all I see when driving are the signs for food. Restaurants, mini-marts, grocery stores, fast-food places — it’s everywhere! And so much marketing goes into grabbing your attention. It’s all neon colors and big bold fonts and dollar-saving deals and exclamation points. No wonder we eat crap all the time; it’s shouting in our faces everywhere we look. (Also thought about how little effort goes into broadcasting food that’s actually good for you. Maybe Subway, but they’re not really that healthy. Better than McDonald’s, maybe, but still fast food. No one’s going, “SALAD HALF-OFF FOR HAPPY HOUR!” in bright orange on their marquee sign. Salad doesn’t sell to many Americans, at least not in fat-ass Yakima.)
— This whole fast thing is a practice in the slow, slow, steady process of self-denial. We talked about this at 5th Act on Sunday, how we hope self-denial leads to self-control, but really, I feel like what I’m learning is patience. I’m not a patient person. I get antsy and irritable and snarky when things are moving slowly. But this fast — it just feels like I have to slow down. Ties into fighting instant gratification, I guess. No, I can’t have whatever I want right now; I have to wait. No, I can’t drink my lunch juice at 11:25 because then it’ll be way too long before I have dinner, and I can’t just go to the vending machine to get a pick-me-up snack. It’s just a steady, constant pushing down of that urge to satisfy myself with whatever’s closest (like the mini peanut butter cups in bright wrappers on the table in the break room that I had to pass this morning). There are some acutely painful moments — remember my (physically impossible) urge to dive into a box of Snickers at Costco on Saturday? — but most of it is a low-level, ever-present wish to give myself whatever I want. And it’s really good for me to learn not to do that.
There might also be some masochistic enjoyment in self-denial, too, though that’s harder to pin down. But it can feel good to willingly deprive myself. Do I get off on punishment? Dear Lord, I hope not. Maybe it’s just exhilarating to find that I can do it, that I can resist food temptation when I put my mind to it.
I’m aiming now for 16 days, my favorite number, so that means juice fast through all of next Monday. And I’m hoping that I’ll take that new number to heart, and be as stubborn as I have been to the original idea of 14 days.
One odd thing; I find I have a much harder time being positive when I’m talking about this to other people. On my own, I feel strong and committed and, while deprived, fully able to go through with the juice fast. But when I talk to other people, I start mentioning all the temptations and difficulties, and I get myself down. It’s like I want to remind myself of what I’m missing out on. Maybe I’m subconsciously fulfilling what I think they expect me to say? I dunno. But it’s interesting. And now I’m thinking of what we talked about at church — that when you’re fasting, you should not let anyone else know what you’re doing. Maybe this is helpful in reinforcing that, or maybe this is another reason why you should do that in the first place.
Just musin’.
The long weekend helped the last couple days pass without too much challenge. One of the hardest moments was Sunday night (Day 8) at Courtney’s house, sitting next to her with my nasty chunky green broccoli juice while she ate healthy couscous and quinoa and salad. That was the only time I remember actively like, licking my lips and coming dangerously close to asking to eat some of her food.
But other than that, hey, it’s Day 10! That came a lot easier than Day 5 or Day 7 came. It’s helpful that I spent most of yesterday at home, cleaning and juicing at a leisurely pace.
Six full days left, so I’m still on the downhill slope, even though I added two days. (By the way — it drives me nuts how inconsistent I am with my numbers on this blog. Sometimes I spell them out; sometimes I use numerals. Gah! Also, sometimes I spell out “and” and sometimes use the “&”. Maddening.)
Lunch today will be the carrot-kale combo, which aside from those two, has spinach and an apple. Dinner is something I made up, with two pears, an apple, an orange … and something else. I wrote it down; can’t remember now. But it looks good.
Day 10! Please be impressed with me :P I'm impressed.
Also hungry. Dang, is it lunchtime yet??
— molls
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