Whenever I talk about this crazy juice thing, I am careful to call it a “fast” or a “cleanse,” never a diet. I don’t like the idea of a diet. Diet, in our current perception, generally means something you’re doing for a finite period of time to get down to a target weight, after which you’ll likely revert to old habits. I don’t want that to happen to me. I want this to prompt a lasting lifestyle change (or at least a lasting abstinence from chocolate croissants and Oreos).
BUT, while the point of this has not been to lose weight, that’s definitely a perk. I’m having trouble keeping my shirt tucked in at work today, because mah pants is fallin’ down! Actually, that’s inconvenient, but it’s a nice feeling all the same.
Today is Day 11. Holy cow. There’s still this extreme mental duality — right now, I want to say that the second half of this juice fast has flown by, and it’s much easier than the first half. But then last night was a very weak moment for me. I was so freakin hungry, and I just wanted real food. Also I had a headache, which is not supposed to happen on the juice fast, and there was no parking at the Y so I didn’t go to the gym like I wanted, and blahhh.
But I got all my juices made last night by 8:30 or so, and Courtney came over & we talked about food and such, and then I did my yoga in my own living room with the help of this lovely posture guide. So I felt a bit more productive.
I still don’t feel particularly self-controlled, probably because it’s been such an emotional roller-coaster and I think about wanting food all the time. If I tracked my mood, it seriously would look like an EKG chart. But I’m hoping that this 16-day period will be a reminder in the future that I can control myself. If I’m looking at cookies, going “Just one more won’t hurt me!” I want to remember this fast, and say, “Hey wait a minute, you went for more than TWO WEEKS with nothing but fruit and vegetable juice — surely you can decide not to eat another cookie.”
We’ll see.
(Now I want cookies …)
Weird side effects of this fast: My hands are even more painfully dry than usual, and I’m running out of the nice Eucerin lotion I have at work. This comes, of course, from washing vegetables and washing the parts of the juicer in hot water at least three times a night.
Also, I think Court was right; my nails seem like they’re growing faster.
I think I’m colder than normal, too, but then again, I’m always cold. And let’s be honest, I still have a lot of insulation going for me.
What’s been exciting is finding that I actually crave the juice, too (not like I crave verde nachos, but hey, it’s a start). That first sip is delicious and satisfying, and I have to work to drink it slowly. (Except that nasty broccoli one. That was a struggle). This morning I had my own creation, “Rise & Shine,” with carrots, oranges and a lemon. So bright! Lunch has a beet in it, but hopefully it’ll be OK; it’s that watermelon-pineapple one again. And dinner is kale, chard, cucumber and oranges, so it’ll be pretty green but still good, I think. Mostly, today’s juices are just really pretty, in bright orange, red and green.
And it's Ash Wednesday! I'm still thinking I want to give up sweets for Lent, but I'm trying to mitigate that ... I'm thinking store-bought sweets. So if I make cookies for myself, I can still eat them, but there would hopefully be that deterrent of actually having to make them.
Happy ashes,
— molls
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
at this moment ...
ZOMG I WANT FOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!
whew. OK. yoga breath. remember the yoga breath. focus...
verdenachos.
DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!
I'm wondering now (in my weak moment) if 16 days is just asking for trouble. After being deprived for so long, won't it be extra ammunition for me to want bad food right away?
(not that time makes a difference, really, because I want bad food RIGHT NOWWWW gahhhh)
whew. this is stressful.
— molls
whew. OK. yoga breath. remember the yoga breath. focus...
verdenachos.
DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!
I'm wondering now (in my weak moment) if 16 days is just asking for trouble. After being deprived for so long, won't it be extra ammunition for me to want bad food right away?
(not that time makes a difference, really, because I want bad food RIGHT NOWWWW gahhhh)
whew. this is stressful.
— molls
Day 10: Movin' right along
What I thought about on the way to work today, drinking my not-as-delicious-as-I-anticipated cucumber-watermelon-apple juice:
— Food is everywhere. I never noticed or thought about it much before, but now that I can’t have any of it, all I see when driving are the signs for food. Restaurants, mini-marts, grocery stores, fast-food places — it’s everywhere! And so much marketing goes into grabbing your attention. It’s all neon colors and big bold fonts and dollar-saving deals and exclamation points. No wonder we eat crap all the time; it’s shouting in our faces everywhere we look. (Also thought about how little effort goes into broadcasting food that’s actually good for you. Maybe Subway, but they’re not really that healthy. Better than McDonald’s, maybe, but still fast food. No one’s going, “SALAD HALF-OFF FOR HAPPY HOUR!” in bright orange on their marquee sign. Salad doesn’t sell to many Americans, at least not in fat-ass Yakima.)
— This whole fast thing is a practice in the slow, slow, steady process of self-denial. We talked about this at 5th Act on Sunday, how we hope self-denial leads to self-control, but really, I feel like what I’m learning is patience. I’m not a patient person. I get antsy and irritable and snarky when things are moving slowly. But this fast — it just feels like I have to slow down. Ties into fighting instant gratification, I guess. No, I can’t have whatever I want right now; I have to wait. No, I can’t drink my lunch juice at 11:25 because then it’ll be way too long before I have dinner, and I can’t just go to the vending machine to get a pick-me-up snack. It’s just a steady, constant pushing down of that urge to satisfy myself with whatever’s closest (like the mini peanut butter cups in bright wrappers on the table in the break room that I had to pass this morning). There are some acutely painful moments — remember my (physically impossible) urge to dive into a box of Snickers at Costco on Saturday? — but most of it is a low-level, ever-present wish to give myself whatever I want. And it’s really good for me to learn not to do that.
There might also be some masochistic enjoyment in self-denial, too, though that’s harder to pin down. But it can feel good to willingly deprive myself. Do I get off on punishment? Dear Lord, I hope not. Maybe it’s just exhilarating to find that I can do it, that I can resist food temptation when I put my mind to it.
I’m aiming now for 16 days, my favorite number, so that means juice fast through all of next Monday. And I’m hoping that I’ll take that new number to heart, and be as stubborn as I have been to the original idea of 14 days.
One odd thing; I find I have a much harder time being positive when I’m talking about this to other people. On my own, I feel strong and committed and, while deprived, fully able to go through with the juice fast. But when I talk to other people, I start mentioning all the temptations and difficulties, and I get myself down. It’s like I want to remind myself of what I’m missing out on. Maybe I’m subconsciously fulfilling what I think they expect me to say? I dunno. But it’s interesting. And now I’m thinking of what we talked about at church — that when you’re fasting, you should not let anyone else know what you’re doing. Maybe this is helpful in reinforcing that, or maybe this is another reason why you should do that in the first place.
Just musin’.
The long weekend helped the last couple days pass without too much challenge. One of the hardest moments was Sunday night (Day 8) at Courtney’s house, sitting next to her with my nasty chunky green broccoli juice while she ate healthy couscous and quinoa and salad. That was the only time I remember actively like, licking my lips and coming dangerously close to asking to eat some of her food.
But other than that, hey, it’s Day 10! That came a lot easier than Day 5 or Day 7 came. It’s helpful that I spent most of yesterday at home, cleaning and juicing at a leisurely pace.
Six full days left, so I’m still on the downhill slope, even though I added two days. (By the way — it drives me nuts how inconsistent I am with my numbers on this blog. Sometimes I spell them out; sometimes I use numerals. Gah! Also, sometimes I spell out “and” and sometimes use the “&”. Maddening.)
Lunch today will be the carrot-kale combo, which aside from those two, has spinach and an apple. Dinner is something I made up, with two pears, an apple, an orange … and something else. I wrote it down; can’t remember now. But it looks good.
Day 10! Please be impressed with me :P I'm impressed.
Also hungry. Dang, is it lunchtime yet??
— molls
— Food is everywhere. I never noticed or thought about it much before, but now that I can’t have any of it, all I see when driving are the signs for food. Restaurants, mini-marts, grocery stores, fast-food places — it’s everywhere! And so much marketing goes into grabbing your attention. It’s all neon colors and big bold fonts and dollar-saving deals and exclamation points. No wonder we eat crap all the time; it’s shouting in our faces everywhere we look. (Also thought about how little effort goes into broadcasting food that’s actually good for you. Maybe Subway, but they’re not really that healthy. Better than McDonald’s, maybe, but still fast food. No one’s going, “SALAD HALF-OFF FOR HAPPY HOUR!” in bright orange on their marquee sign. Salad doesn’t sell to many Americans, at least not in fat-ass Yakima.)
— This whole fast thing is a practice in the slow, slow, steady process of self-denial. We talked about this at 5th Act on Sunday, how we hope self-denial leads to self-control, but really, I feel like what I’m learning is patience. I’m not a patient person. I get antsy and irritable and snarky when things are moving slowly. But this fast — it just feels like I have to slow down. Ties into fighting instant gratification, I guess. No, I can’t have whatever I want right now; I have to wait. No, I can’t drink my lunch juice at 11:25 because then it’ll be way too long before I have dinner, and I can’t just go to the vending machine to get a pick-me-up snack. It’s just a steady, constant pushing down of that urge to satisfy myself with whatever’s closest (like the mini peanut butter cups in bright wrappers on the table in the break room that I had to pass this morning). There are some acutely painful moments — remember my (physically impossible) urge to dive into a box of Snickers at Costco on Saturday? — but most of it is a low-level, ever-present wish to give myself whatever I want. And it’s really good for me to learn not to do that.
There might also be some masochistic enjoyment in self-denial, too, though that’s harder to pin down. But it can feel good to willingly deprive myself. Do I get off on punishment? Dear Lord, I hope not. Maybe it’s just exhilarating to find that I can do it, that I can resist food temptation when I put my mind to it.
I’m aiming now for 16 days, my favorite number, so that means juice fast through all of next Monday. And I’m hoping that I’ll take that new number to heart, and be as stubborn as I have been to the original idea of 14 days.
One odd thing; I find I have a much harder time being positive when I’m talking about this to other people. On my own, I feel strong and committed and, while deprived, fully able to go through with the juice fast. But when I talk to other people, I start mentioning all the temptations and difficulties, and I get myself down. It’s like I want to remind myself of what I’m missing out on. Maybe I’m subconsciously fulfilling what I think they expect me to say? I dunno. But it’s interesting. And now I’m thinking of what we talked about at church — that when you’re fasting, you should not let anyone else know what you’re doing. Maybe this is helpful in reinforcing that, or maybe this is another reason why you should do that in the first place.
Just musin’.
The long weekend helped the last couple days pass without too much challenge. One of the hardest moments was Sunday night (Day 8) at Courtney’s house, sitting next to her with my nasty chunky green broccoli juice while she ate healthy couscous and quinoa and salad. That was the only time I remember actively like, licking my lips and coming dangerously close to asking to eat some of her food.
But other than that, hey, it’s Day 10! That came a lot easier than Day 5 or Day 7 came. It’s helpful that I spent most of yesterday at home, cleaning and juicing at a leisurely pace.
Six full days left, so I’m still on the downhill slope, even though I added two days. (By the way — it drives me nuts how inconsistent I am with my numbers on this blog. Sometimes I spell them out; sometimes I use numerals. Gah! Also, sometimes I spell out “and” and sometimes use the “&”. Maddening.)
Lunch today will be the carrot-kale combo, which aside from those two, has spinach and an apple. Dinner is something I made up, with two pears, an apple, an orange … and something else. I wrote it down; can’t remember now. But it looks good.
Day 10! Please be impressed with me :P I'm impressed.
Also hungry. Dang, is it lunchtime yet??
— molls
Monday, February 20, 2012
Day 9: Breakfast of champions
There's just no way your breakfast was as good as mine this morning. I mean, really:
That's strawberries, pineapple, kiwi, an orange (that might have some kind of grapefruit strain in it? I dunno) and spinach to balance it out.
This is my reward for making it 8 days so far; I know it's sugary, but I don't really care. I had to make up for last night — I do not know why we had "brassica" in our "like" column, because it was verging on nasty. Mostly just ... thick. Very thick and very green. Broccoli, man. That stuff is hard to get down in juice form. But I finished it! Even though it was in the most gigantic bottle I have.
Blech.
Hot yoga again last night, and I'm planning on the 6:15 tonight. When I talk about going so often, it sounds excessive, but (a) I want to get as many classes in during my $20-2-weeks, and (b) without it, I wouldn't feel as convinced of the fruits of this juice fast labor. It makes me feel fit, inside and out. Plus, it's been really cool to see improvement, just in the last week. I can stretch further, balance better, hold postures longer.
People keep asking if this juice thing is giving me more energy, and I can't really answer. Maybe? I feel more inclined to do things, like yoga, but I'm not sure if that's because of more energy or because I want to stay active to avoid sitting at home thinking about food. I'm still sleepy when I wake up, which is kind of a letdown; I was hoping the juice would fix that. Actually, most mornings when I wake up and get out of bed, I have to lie back down again, because I get crazy intense head-rushes and feel like I'm going to pitch forward onto the floor. Hmm.
But it was nice yesterday to have a friend tell me I looked different — like my skin was better, and I looked more energetic. I know it's not the point of it all, but it feels good to have other people notice (even if he was just being nice, because he knows the fasting is hard).
Anyway. I am going to try to make this day off productive by scrubbing my shower & preparing all my juices for tomorrow. Ve shall seeeee...
— molls
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Day 8: Hell yeah, halfway!
I didn't get a chance to post last night ... but huzzah! I've made it a week (and more, now) and I'm still feeling good. Went to yoga yesterday morning (rear-ended a gal on the way there who was also going to hot yoga, oddly enough ... it was super icy out, so that was no bueno, even though it's just a tiny little scratch. But, insurance is good, and because we're both Pemco customers, they're waiving my deductible to get my own car fixed. Yesss!)
Anyway.
So, yes. One week down. I feel no closer to caving in, though I still find myself in the middle of ordinary conversations or just working on something, and all of a sudden "TACOS" comes into my brain. Normal? Maybe? Dude if you knew what kind of tacos were available in Yakima, you'd have them storming your thoughts, too. Ay, mi madre.
Yesterday was a rough day; I cannot underestimate the impact of missing a meal. I had breakfast when I got home from yoga, about 10 a.m., then went North Town for tea & talk with a friend, then to Court's to have her be my Costco-card escort, and with extensive grocery shopping, I didn't get home to make my second juice of the day til almost 5 p.m. Twas very painful, especially walking down aisles filled with BOXES of candy bars at Costco. I told Court I wanted to dive into a box of Snickers; "You don't really, though, do you?" she asked (she is so nice & optimistic of my healthful mindset), and I was like, "No, actually, I really do." I could've eaten 10 of 'em. (Bars, not boxes of bars.) Even when not fasting, it's always a mistake to go to the grocery store hungry.
But I made it out of there alive, with all my pineapple and watermelon and mango and spinach and celery and errythang. Made it through Fiesta Foods, too.
I was quite a bummermuffins to Courtney, though; again, missing a meal when your meals are already pretty slim makes a huge difference in mood. I was going on and on about how there's no hope of this being a lifestyle change; how it will always feel like a deprivation; sigh. That's true for me, at certain times of the day. I feel much better during the evening when I'm thinking about it for myself, and planning how I want to go on beyond the juice fast.
Which leads me to: I will try to make this a 2 1/2 or 3 week juice fast. I know; I seem more than a little masochistic. But I think the longer I can go, the more likely it will be to make some sort of permanent impact on my eating habits.
At the very least, I want to go through next Sunday. So 15 days total. And from there, if I truly cannot juice 100 percent, I will at least make it so that 2 of 3 meals are juice. I'm thinking breakfast and dinner as juice, then lunch as something still healthy and mostly vegan that I cook at home and bring to work.
Not that I want to go vegan, mind you. But again — if I just jump back into eating everything I used to after this juice fast, then it'll feel like, "Well, that was a good exercise in self-restraint, and now this is my reward." I don't want healthy food to be a punishment or junk food to be a reward. I want to know what's good for me, and what I can have in moderation.
But yeah, never vegan. Sheesh. I quote Sarah Palin, dimwitted as she is, with this little gem: "If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?" Well said, you reality-TV-show-ing politician, you.
Other motive for continuing this through the third week: I'm headed to Seattle/Olympia the weekend after, and I would like to maintain my current slightly-more-trim self while I'm there. (Also, because my time in Seattle really will be an indulgence, with all that food that I want to buy there. Maybe I'll bring it all back and have 1 thing for each lunch of the week after? I bet it would keep ...)
Today at 5th Act (my church group thing), we read through the part in Sermon on the Mount where Jesus talks about fasting, and it really worried me, because I don't want to be the kind of person who goes, "LOOK AT ME, I'M FASTING, AREN'T I AWESOME?!?!" I mean, I'm blogging about it ... that's kind of out there for the world to see. I haven't gone out of my way to tell anyone about it; see below for my volatile reaction to a coworker making fun of my green lunch juice, and you'll know why I wish to avoid that. But with 5th Act, and folks at the play and other friends I spend time with, I kind of have to explain why I'm not eating and why I'm drinking what looks like baby diarrhea out of a Mason jar through a straw. (Today's lunch was disgustingly brown, but it tasted great: Red cabbage, carrots, apples, chard.) So I hope what I've done is just explanation, not parading through the streets like a pharisee.
I've got the juicer back at my house, now that Court has her own awesome high-powered machine, so I'm hoping that'll take some of the stress off the schedule. If possible, I'm going to make the next day's 3 juices the night before, so I can go about my daily business without having to worry about getting enough.
Tonight's is "bountiful brassica:" Broccoli, carrots, chard, apple, ginger, cabbage.
Anyway. I'm just killin' time here before I go to hot yoga again. I am going to be so sad when this two weeks is up and I actually have to pay for classes. But I think it'd be worth it, to keep feeling this good about myself.
Peace out, peeps!
—molls
Anyway.
So, yes. One week down. I feel no closer to caving in, though I still find myself in the middle of ordinary conversations or just working on something, and all of a sudden "TACOS" comes into my brain. Normal? Maybe? Dude if you knew what kind of tacos were available in Yakima, you'd have them storming your thoughts, too. Ay, mi madre.
Yesterday was a rough day; I cannot underestimate the impact of missing a meal. I had breakfast when I got home from yoga, about 10 a.m., then went North Town for tea & talk with a friend, then to Court's to have her be my Costco-card escort, and with extensive grocery shopping, I didn't get home to make my second juice of the day til almost 5 p.m. Twas very painful, especially walking down aisles filled with BOXES of candy bars at Costco. I told Court I wanted to dive into a box of Snickers; "You don't really, though, do you?" she asked (she is so nice & optimistic of my healthful mindset), and I was like, "No, actually, I really do." I could've eaten 10 of 'em. (Bars, not boxes of bars.) Even when not fasting, it's always a mistake to go to the grocery store hungry.
But I made it out of there alive, with all my pineapple and watermelon and mango and spinach and celery and errythang. Made it through Fiesta Foods, too.
I was quite a bummermuffins to Courtney, though; again, missing a meal when your meals are already pretty slim makes a huge difference in mood. I was going on and on about how there's no hope of this being a lifestyle change; how it will always feel like a deprivation; sigh. That's true for me, at certain times of the day. I feel much better during the evening when I'm thinking about it for myself, and planning how I want to go on beyond the juice fast.
Which leads me to: I will try to make this a 2 1/2 or 3 week juice fast. I know; I seem more than a little masochistic. But I think the longer I can go, the more likely it will be to make some sort of permanent impact on my eating habits.
At the very least, I want to go through next Sunday. So 15 days total. And from there, if I truly cannot juice 100 percent, I will at least make it so that 2 of 3 meals are juice. I'm thinking breakfast and dinner as juice, then lunch as something still healthy and mostly vegan that I cook at home and bring to work.
Not that I want to go vegan, mind you. But again — if I just jump back into eating everything I used to after this juice fast, then it'll feel like, "Well, that was a good exercise in self-restraint, and now this is my reward." I don't want healthy food to be a punishment or junk food to be a reward. I want to know what's good for me, and what I can have in moderation.
But yeah, never vegan. Sheesh. I quote Sarah Palin, dimwitted as she is, with this little gem: "If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?" Well said, you reality-TV-show-ing politician, you.
Other motive for continuing this through the third week: I'm headed to Seattle/Olympia the weekend after, and I would like to maintain my current slightly-more-trim self while I'm there. (Also, because my time in Seattle really will be an indulgence, with all that food that I want to buy there. Maybe I'll bring it all back and have 1 thing for each lunch of the week after? I bet it would keep ...)
Today at 5th Act (my church group thing), we read through the part in Sermon on the Mount where Jesus talks about fasting, and it really worried me, because I don't want to be the kind of person who goes, "LOOK AT ME, I'M FASTING, AREN'T I AWESOME?!?!" I mean, I'm blogging about it ... that's kind of out there for the world to see. I haven't gone out of my way to tell anyone about it; see below for my volatile reaction to a coworker making fun of my green lunch juice, and you'll know why I wish to avoid that. But with 5th Act, and folks at the play and other friends I spend time with, I kind of have to explain why I'm not eating and why I'm drinking what looks like baby diarrhea out of a Mason jar through a straw. (Today's lunch was disgustingly brown, but it tasted great: Red cabbage, carrots, apples, chard.) So I hope what I've done is just explanation, not parading through the streets like a pharisee.
I've got the juicer back at my house, now that Court has her own awesome high-powered machine, so I'm hoping that'll take some of the stress off the schedule. If possible, I'm going to make the next day's 3 juices the night before, so I can go about my daily business without having to worry about getting enough.
Tonight's is "bountiful brassica:" Broccoli, carrots, chard, apple, ginger, cabbage.
Anyway. I'm just killin' time here before I go to hot yoga again. I am going to be so sad when this two weeks is up and I actually have to pay for classes. But I think it'd be worth it, to keep feeling this good about myself.
Peace out, peeps!
—molls
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Day 2 post (the lost files)
(I'm hoping I can switch the time stamp on this so it goes back in order ... I know I can do that on Wordpress; we'll see if Blogger stacks up.)
OK, if "sweat is fat crying," then my fat just had a "my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-so-I'm-gonna-watch-the-Notebook-in-the-dark-and-throw-my-pint-of-ice-cream-at-the-TV-screen-because-no-one-is-as-perfect-as-Ryan-Gosling" sobfest.
Holy mother. The yoga we're doing is hot yoga, which I've never done before. And I'd only taken two yoga classes in my life before this (one at the drama festival in Nebraska summer after my freshman year of high school, "Yoga for Actors," and one in Chile at the studio down the street from my host mom's house ... which was a year and a half ago ...) so this was just a whole new level. I walked in and thought, "Love this!" because I'm always cold, but when we started working — joder. Sweat just poured out of me. It was good though; felt healthy. And different; it was just like rain, running off your skin. Crazy.
I was very proud of myself for the first 45 minutes or so (I think that's how long; there are no clocks in zen yoga land), and was keeping up and not in too much pain and able to do much more than I'd expected. But then I took too many sips at a water break, and we did something where we were jabbing our elbow into our side, and I went: Uh-oh. Nausea. Nausea in a very hot, dark room. My stomach felt sloshy; I was remembering that disgusting tomato-tastic glutathione juice for dinner ... it was not good. So I got out of the room into the relatively cooler reception area, and lay on a wooden bench out there and talked to the very nice gal at the front desk. (She said she was proud of me for how much I'd done, which is a totally cool thing to hear from a total stranger.)
Anyway. That's a long build-up to explain my low point tonight. Feeling sick, feeling grumpy about feeling sick, feeling worried that I might actually puke and then not stop puking as has happened so many times before; it just dragged me down. Then we got back to Courtney's house (had to prepare my morning juice) and her roommate (whom I love!) was making delicious-looking white-chocolate-dipped pretzels for her first-grade class, and we were still on juice ... it was just tough. That's the first time (I mean, we've only been at this two days) that I really thought, This juice fast is stupid. Who am I kidding? I'm not healthy!
But I'm feeling better now, so my mood is back up to where it should be. Feeling strong, body and mind (probably sweated out a pound in water weight, so I feel a bit trimmer, too), and ready for tomorrow.
I think what I have going for me in this is stubbornness. This is another one of those identity traits of mine I'm not sure defines me now as much as it used to, when I was a very hardheaded child, but I think it's still there. That mentality of, I'm not going to do this for any reason other than to do it — to prove I can — to bite my thumb at all the voices, internal and external, who scoff and disparage and doubt.
I don't think I've sat still long enough, in quiet, to really dig into the lessons God's putting before me in this. Courtney & I've touched on them briefly: the benefit of gently pushing down that desire for instant gratification; of strengthening the muscle of self-control; of teaching food who's boss. Hopefully I'll slow down soon.
It's getting late, so off to bed I should go. Here's what I get in the morning: The aptly named "Really green juice," with cucumber, green apples, spinach, and oranges.
— molls
OK, if "sweat is fat crying," then my fat just had a "my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-so-I'm-gonna-watch-the-Notebook-in-the-dark-and-throw-my-pint-of-ice-cream-at-the-TV-screen-because-no-one-is-as-perfect-as-Ryan-Gosling" sobfest.
Holy mother. The yoga we're doing is hot yoga, which I've never done before. And I'd only taken two yoga classes in my life before this (one at the drama festival in Nebraska summer after my freshman year of high school, "Yoga for Actors," and one in Chile at the studio down the street from my host mom's house ... which was a year and a half ago ...) so this was just a whole new level. I walked in and thought, "Love this!" because I'm always cold, but when we started working — joder. Sweat just poured out of me. It was good though; felt healthy. And different; it was just like rain, running off your skin. Crazy.
I was very proud of myself for the first 45 minutes or so (I think that's how long; there are no clocks in zen yoga land), and was keeping up and not in too much pain and able to do much more than I'd expected. But then I took too many sips at a water break, and we did something where we were jabbing our elbow into our side, and I went: Uh-oh. Nausea. Nausea in a very hot, dark room. My stomach felt sloshy; I was remembering that disgusting tomato-tastic glutathione juice for dinner ... it was not good. So I got out of the room into the relatively cooler reception area, and lay on a wooden bench out there and talked to the very nice gal at the front desk. (She said she was proud of me for how much I'd done, which is a totally cool thing to hear from a total stranger.)
Anyway. That's a long build-up to explain my low point tonight. Feeling sick, feeling grumpy about feeling sick, feeling worried that I might actually puke and then not stop puking as has happened so many times before; it just dragged me down. Then we got back to Courtney's house (had to prepare my morning juice) and her roommate (whom I love!) was making delicious-looking white-chocolate-dipped pretzels for her first-grade class, and we were still on juice ... it was just tough. That's the first time (I mean, we've only been at this two days) that I really thought, This juice fast is stupid. Who am I kidding? I'm not healthy!
But I'm feeling better now, so my mood is back up to where it should be. Feeling strong, body and mind (probably sweated out a pound in water weight, so I feel a bit trimmer, too), and ready for tomorrow.
I think what I have going for me in this is stubbornness. This is another one of those identity traits of mine I'm not sure defines me now as much as it used to, when I was a very hardheaded child, but I think it's still there. That mentality of, I'm not going to do this for any reason other than to do it — to prove I can — to bite my thumb at all the voices, internal and external, who scoff and disparage and doubt.
I don't think I've sat still long enough, in quiet, to really dig into the lessons God's putting before me in this. Courtney & I've touched on them briefly: the benefit of gently pushing down that desire for instant gratification; of strengthening the muscle of self-control; of teaching food who's boss. Hopefully I'll slow down soon.
It's getting late, so off to bed I should go. Here's what I get in the morning: The aptly named "Really green juice," with cucumber, green apples, spinach, and oranges.
— molls
Friday, February 17, 2012
day 6 (court)
well everyone, molly is stronger than I :) yesterday i had a handful of almonds, some salad and some beans, whoops! ha but I'm not disappointed actually. i tutor 4 adorable children on thursdays in spanish and their family prepares dinner for us...so i figured what the hey, still plant foods! i plan to still juice, but just not exclusively, and im especially excluding sugar for awhile, that is a much needed change.
an interesting thing happened though when i ate a bit of solid food, it wasn't satisfying. all this time with just juice... solid, delicious, wholesome food has seemed like the solution to the struggle, but it wasn't! okay this sounds silly out here but in my head it was a cool realization. i woke up this morning more excited and dedicated to the juice fast because i realized that indulging in food isn't all that it is cracked up to be, it's just a mirage in this time of food deprivation. reminds me of that scene from 'fival goes west' when he thinks he sees his family in the desert....
sooo ya not sure what the next week will look like for me, once I'm out of ingredients i think ill be done juicing--but i plan to adopt the 'juice fast' experiment into my lifestyle, maybe a 3-5 day fast a few times a year. it just feels good and has brought me back to a healthy relationship with food. whoop whoop!
molls I'm here to cheer you on and i am excited to prepare all kinds of vegilicious meals with you after this thing! you're a star!
an interesting thing happened though when i ate a bit of solid food, it wasn't satisfying. all this time with just juice... solid, delicious, wholesome food has seemed like the solution to the struggle, but it wasn't! okay this sounds silly out here but in my head it was a cool realization. i woke up this morning more excited and dedicated to the juice fast because i realized that indulging in food isn't all that it is cracked up to be, it's just a mirage in this time of food deprivation. reminds me of that scene from 'fival goes west' when he thinks he sees his family in the desert....
sooo ya not sure what the next week will look like for me, once I'm out of ingredients i think ill be done juicing--but i plan to adopt the 'juice fast' experiment into my lifestyle, maybe a 3-5 day fast a few times a year. it just feels good and has brought me back to a healthy relationship with food. whoop whoop!
molls I'm here to cheer you on and i am excited to prepare all kinds of vegilicious meals with you after this thing! you're a star!
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