OK, so at this moment, I feel full to the point of puking up all the delicious butter chicken from Cedars Indian restaurant in the U-District that I just consumed ... blahhhhguh.
This is a problem.
I think I did pretty well last week; I wasn't as strong on the no-snacking thing at home as I wanted to be, but my only snacks were avocados with lemon & salt, and apples with the homemade almond or cashew butter ... so still, we're better than Oreos. Whew. And I had my healthy brown-rice-and-veggies for lunches (even though that still felt like way too much food), then transitioned back to juice on Friday for lunch so I felt good going into Oly.
But still ... the snacking makes me feel icky. And weak. It's only apples and almond butter! But almond butter is realllllly good, and I think it's the mentality of snacking that's a problem. Like this morning - I ate my apple & almond butter because I wanted to, because I liked the taste, rather than because I was hungry.
And I finished off the rest of my butter chicken with rice — I'd had a small portion of it last night for dinner, which still left me feeling really full — because I wanted it, and because it tasted good, not because I actually needed that enormous amount of food (and not because "it's going to go bad," as I rationalized to myself. I could have stretched that out all week and it would have been fine). And now I feel gross and fat and back to where I was before the juice fast.
And I know; I know; the point was not to lose weight. I told myself that it wasn't going to be the kind of weight that would stay off. But still — I really liked myself a lot better down those 10 pounds than I liked myself at my previous weight ... and I'm edging closer to that higher number every day now.
So, what to do? I mean, I've got healthy groceries; I bought flax seed and oats and granola and couscous and fruits yesterday, and I still have no (real) desire to eat Reese's or Oreos. But it's this problem of portion control; of stopping when it's enough; of reigning myself in when I know I don't need to keep eating.
Ugh I feel so full! I do not like this feeling! To bring myself back in line, it's going to be back to juice tonight and tomorrow. I think I have enough carrots, celery, cucumbers and apples to make that work. Crap, no spinach though. I'll need to buy some. I'm spending so much money on groceries ... I wish we had a WinCo! Or that I had a Costco membership. I should get on that.
But seriously, this awful full feeling-thing is making me think that I need to permanently keep at least one meal a day as juice. Or perhaps some combination so that three of six meals in each two-day period are juice. Maybe that's just better for my body. It's hard to feel over-full with juice. And it will force me to keep self-control as a daily part of my routine.
The positive long-term effect, I guess, is that the idea of going back to juice fills me with relief, not dread. The hardest thing to avoid will be the almond butter (seriously, guys, it's the most delicious thing ever. Though Court says the rule of thumb with nuts is a handful a day, which means way less almond butter than I'd like to consume...) but hey, I avoided all food for 16 days.
OK. So juice for dinner tonight, for breakfast, lunch & dinner tomorrow. Whew. I can't wait to feel better. Plus I want to do yoga; that makes me feel trimmer, too. They switched the damn schedule! I woke up at 4:25 and drove all the way down there this morning to find an empty parking lot and a dark studio. DAMN THEMMMM gahhh. I guess tomorrow morning or tomorrow evening? Maybe both. I need it. It's been a whole week and I miss it! Also coconut water. Mmm.
Blahhh I want my stomach to empty. Tis gross.
Juice! Juice! Juice! Huzzah for juice!
— molls
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Post-Juice Fast Day 1: #Winning
First meal was a success: Savannah loved it, so there’s another new convert (all hail the power of rosemary & mushrooms!), and it was a nice mild reintroduction to solid food.
But the biggest success is that, while good, it wasn’t any kind of be-all, end-all food experience. I didn’t die of happiness at putting the first bite in my mouth. So yay! Food is not the solution I once viewed it as. It’s just, you know, food.
I also made the frozen-banana-peanut-butter ice cream, though the bananas weren’t quite frozen so it wasn’t as good as usual, but for a first try I think it was fine. Peanut butter had me closer to dying with happiness (and this was just plain peanut butter, made in the food processor) but still — eating solid food was just a’ight. Nothing earth-shattering. I couldn’t finish the banana mix, because my stomach all of a sudden felt way too full … I need to be better about assessing how much room I’ve got in there, but I guess that’ll come in time.
Got home with all my fruit and vegetable groceries (I’m spending a bit more than I’d like to, but you do what you gotta do, I suppose) and didn’t feel the need to bite into anything … though I did give in a little bit and taste the almond and cashew butter that I made. What, I needed to make sure it turned out right! And OHMYGOODNESS the almond butter is like cookie dough. Dangerous. I didn’t bring any to work today; I don’t think I’ll need any snacks.
What was truly exciting was finding that last night and this morning, the only thing I was craving was juice. Que?! How did that happen? It’s a great feeling. Juice just seems fresher, a more fitting response to what my body wants and needs … ahhh I feel like a hippie weirdo, but it’s true. And it feels so good.
Got up at 4:25 to do 5 a.m. yoga this morning, which really is the only reason I’ll get up that early. I like the smaller classes and getting done at 6 a.m. and still having so much time in the day. Also, I come home and go back to bed for an hour, so that works for me, too. Woke back up at 7:45, took a shower, made my carrot-orange-lemon juice, and was ready for the day.
Anyway. Going into hourly details of my life is kind of boring, but I’m just stoked that the juicing actually worked. I actually retrained my body to want good things, and I am determined to keep it up. All that delicious food in Seattle is inching farther away as I contemplate what it would do to my post-juice-fast plan … but you know, it’ll be OK if I don’t eat any of it.
Except Chipotle. I’ll be damned if I don’t get some Chipotle. 3 tacos suavecitos para llevar, con barbacoa, tomates, queso y mucha crema, por favor!
— molls
But the biggest success is that, while good, it wasn’t any kind of be-all, end-all food experience. I didn’t die of happiness at putting the first bite in my mouth. So yay! Food is not the solution I once viewed it as. It’s just, you know, food.
I also made the frozen-banana-peanut-butter ice cream, though the bananas weren’t quite frozen so it wasn’t as good as usual, but for a first try I think it was fine. Peanut butter had me closer to dying with happiness (and this was just plain peanut butter, made in the food processor) but still — eating solid food was just a’ight. Nothing earth-shattering. I couldn’t finish the banana mix, because my stomach all of a sudden felt way too full … I need to be better about assessing how much room I’ve got in there, but I guess that’ll come in time.
Got home with all my fruit and vegetable groceries (I’m spending a bit more than I’d like to, but you do what you gotta do, I suppose) and didn’t feel the need to bite into anything … though I did give in a little bit and taste the almond and cashew butter that I made. What, I needed to make sure it turned out right! And OHMYGOODNESS the almond butter is like cookie dough. Dangerous. I didn’t bring any to work today; I don’t think I’ll need any snacks.
What was truly exciting was finding that last night and this morning, the only thing I was craving was juice. Que?! How did that happen? It’s a great feeling. Juice just seems fresher, a more fitting response to what my body wants and needs … ahhh I feel like a hippie weirdo, but it’s true. And it feels so good.
Got up at 4:25 to do 5 a.m. yoga this morning, which really is the only reason I’ll get up that early. I like the smaller classes and getting done at 6 a.m. and still having so much time in the day. Also, I come home and go back to bed for an hour, so that works for me, too. Woke back up at 7:45, took a shower, made my carrot-orange-lemon juice, and was ready for the day.
Anyway. Going into hourly details of my life is kind of boring, but I’m just stoked that the juicing actually worked. I actually retrained my body to want good things, and I am determined to keep it up. All that delicious food in Seattle is inching farther away as I contemplate what it would do to my post-juice-fast plan … but you know, it’ll be OK if I don’t eat any of it.
Except Chipotle. I’ll be damned if I don’t get some Chipotle. 3 tacos suavecitos para llevar, con barbacoa, tomates, queso y mucha crema, por favor!
— molls
Monday, February 27, 2012
Day 16: Forward motion
You'd think today would be overt rejoicing for me, as I prepare to eat my first solid food in more than two weeks tonight.
And sure, I'm excited to cook. The stuffed squash I have planned for tonight is delicious. And I'm excited to finally get to try the nut butters I made on Saturday.
But more than excitement, what I'm feeling now — and have been feeling for the past few days as I looked ahead to the end of the juice fast — is caution, apprehension, and a very real fear that if I don't stay tightly controlled this week, I will simply revert back to my previous eating habits.
To that end, I just typed up a schedule of what I'm eating this week. I hope I won't have to continue this, but for now, I want to stay regimented so I won't be tempted to undo all the good work of the past 16 days. If I have clearly defined rules in place ahead of time, I am much more likely to stick to them.
So dinner tonight will be the stuffed squash. Breakfast tomorrow (and all week) will be juice, and I'll be stocking up on some more staple juice produce tonight at the grocery store to be prepared for that. Lunch tomorrow will be the leftover squash, and then dinner for the rest of the week will also be juice. I'll probably still be sticking with the ones I like (variations of the carrot-apple-cuc-spinach variety) and also trying to use up all the chard and cabbage still left in my fridge ...
Lunches are when I'll eat solid food, partly because I'm kind of tired of having to bring my gross-looking juices to the company fridge at work, and partly because I think it'll help me stay controlled at home in the evening. I'll be preparing the lunches the night before, so I'll be cooking solid food at dinner time, but I won't eat any of it. This will be hard, but I know I can do it, since I had to make all those nut butters without trying them this weekend.
So: Healthy lunches for Wednesday and Thursday: Sauteed/stir-fry veggies with mushrooms, peppers, zucchini, broccoli and garlic, served over a little bit of rice. Veggie tacos on whole-wheat tortillas with avocado, tomato, black beans, cucumber, lime and sauteed peppers, plus a little leftover rice.
Friday I'm going to go back to a juice lunch, because — vainly — I want to look & feel my trimmest when I go to the west side.
Healthy snacks, which will not be consumed at home; only during the day, as needed: Apple and celery slices with the cashew/almond/peanut butter; raw peppers and broccoli with hummus; avocado with lemon and salt; frozen banana-peanut butter ice cream, as a treat if absolutely craving.
The following week, I think I'll start making oatmeal for breakfast, adding in bananas and apples and frozen berries and whatnot. Maybe make homemade granola? We'll see.
This sounds so strict ... and probably isn't a good way to live, but I want to set up good habits and stick to them. Otherwise, this juice fast will have been just another fad diet, and that's what I've worked to avoid this whole time. These 16 days will not be in vain!
And for what I had planned to be my food-indulgent weekend in Oly/Seattle ... I'm worried about that. I still want to get butter chicken, pad thai and Chipotle, but I'll have to be careful about spreading the dishes out into multiple meals. Wings at Finns sounds really good, but the more I think about it, the more I imagine it would really hurt my stomach to eat something so spicy ... I don't know what I'll do about that. I wanted to go to Finns & gather a few friends there, but I'm not going to be drinking alcohol, and if I don't eat the wings, either, it might be kind of silly to choose that spot.
And speaking of alcohol; my friend is saying he wants to take everyone out to drinks in Oly after this climbing comp they have, but I think even cider (and they have my favorite hard cider, Spire Dark & Dry, on tap at the bar near the gym) would really make me feel ill.
OK, here's the plan. I will bring two to three juices with me in my cooler, and so I'll still have at least one meal replaced with juice over the weekend. I don't want the weekend to be a total let-go; it would be nearly impossible to come back to order once I get back home.
Man, I'm just really nervous! I'm worried about feeling bloated all the time, as even a small amount of solid food will probably feel really weird after running on liquid for so long; I'm worried about my ability to resist peer pressure, as friends who know I've been juicing will also know that I'm off the fast now, and they'll try to get me to eat things ... gah!
Also worried that my skin will never stop being dry & cracked ... my hands hurt so bad from washing vegetables & the juicer all the time. Wah-wah.
This is really where the hard work starts. This is the gray area after 16 days of black-and-white, easy-to-remember rules. And I feel myself being pulled into this super harsh discipline, and I know that's not what I want to be long-term. In "Sex God" (which is not about food at all, but so many things seem to overlap), Rob Bell writes about how we're not called to give in to all our urges, because that would make us like animals, and we're not called to resist all urges, because that would make us like angels. We're human, and we're called to live in the tension between the two. And that's so hard!
Well, we'll see. I've just proven to myself that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, so hopefully I'll remember that as I undertake the next step in this journey toward a healthy lifestyle.
And just to take a moment and recognize it — today is my 16th day. I've already had my breakfast and lunch juices. I really did last that whole time, and never gave in to temptation.
That's pretty remarkable, you know? "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Word, yo.
— molls
And sure, I'm excited to cook. The stuffed squash I have planned for tonight is delicious. And I'm excited to finally get to try the nut butters I made on Saturday.
But more than excitement, what I'm feeling now — and have been feeling for the past few days as I looked ahead to the end of the juice fast — is caution, apprehension, and a very real fear that if I don't stay tightly controlled this week, I will simply revert back to my previous eating habits.
To that end, I just typed up a schedule of what I'm eating this week. I hope I won't have to continue this, but for now, I want to stay regimented so I won't be tempted to undo all the good work of the past 16 days. If I have clearly defined rules in place ahead of time, I am much more likely to stick to them.
So dinner tonight will be the stuffed squash. Breakfast tomorrow (and all week) will be juice, and I'll be stocking up on some more staple juice produce tonight at the grocery store to be prepared for that. Lunch tomorrow will be the leftover squash, and then dinner for the rest of the week will also be juice. I'll probably still be sticking with the ones I like (variations of the carrot-apple-cuc-spinach variety) and also trying to use up all the chard and cabbage still left in my fridge ...
Lunches are when I'll eat solid food, partly because I'm kind of tired of having to bring my gross-looking juices to the company fridge at work, and partly because I think it'll help me stay controlled at home in the evening. I'll be preparing the lunches the night before, so I'll be cooking solid food at dinner time, but I won't eat any of it. This will be hard, but I know I can do it, since I had to make all those nut butters without trying them this weekend.
So: Healthy lunches for Wednesday and Thursday: Sauteed/stir-fry veggies with mushrooms, peppers, zucchini, broccoli and garlic, served over a little bit of rice. Veggie tacos on whole-wheat tortillas with avocado, tomato, black beans, cucumber, lime and sauteed peppers, plus a little leftover rice.
Friday I'm going to go back to a juice lunch, because — vainly — I want to look & feel my trimmest when I go to the west side.
Healthy snacks, which will not be consumed at home; only during the day, as needed: Apple and celery slices with the cashew/almond/peanut butter; raw peppers and broccoli with hummus; avocado with lemon and salt; frozen banana-peanut butter ice cream, as a treat if absolutely craving.
The following week, I think I'll start making oatmeal for breakfast, adding in bananas and apples and frozen berries and whatnot. Maybe make homemade granola? We'll see.
This sounds so strict ... and probably isn't a good way to live, but I want to set up good habits and stick to them. Otherwise, this juice fast will have been just another fad diet, and that's what I've worked to avoid this whole time. These 16 days will not be in vain!
And for what I had planned to be my food-indulgent weekend in Oly/Seattle ... I'm worried about that. I still want to get butter chicken, pad thai and Chipotle, but I'll have to be careful about spreading the dishes out into multiple meals. Wings at Finns sounds really good, but the more I think about it, the more I imagine it would really hurt my stomach to eat something so spicy ... I don't know what I'll do about that. I wanted to go to Finns & gather a few friends there, but I'm not going to be drinking alcohol, and if I don't eat the wings, either, it might be kind of silly to choose that spot.
And speaking of alcohol; my friend is saying he wants to take everyone out to drinks in Oly after this climbing comp they have, but I think even cider (and they have my favorite hard cider, Spire Dark & Dry, on tap at the bar near the gym) would really make me feel ill.
OK, here's the plan. I will bring two to three juices with me in my cooler, and so I'll still have at least one meal replaced with juice over the weekend. I don't want the weekend to be a total let-go; it would be nearly impossible to come back to order once I get back home.
Man, I'm just really nervous! I'm worried about feeling bloated all the time, as even a small amount of solid food will probably feel really weird after running on liquid for so long; I'm worried about my ability to resist peer pressure, as friends who know I've been juicing will also know that I'm off the fast now, and they'll try to get me to eat things ... gah!
Also worried that my skin will never stop being dry & cracked ... my hands hurt so bad from washing vegetables & the juicer all the time. Wah-wah.
This is really where the hard work starts. This is the gray area after 16 days of black-and-white, easy-to-remember rules. And I feel myself being pulled into this super harsh discipline, and I know that's not what I want to be long-term. In "Sex God" (which is not about food at all, but so many things seem to overlap), Rob Bell writes about how we're not called to give in to all our urges, because that would make us like animals, and we're not called to resist all urges, because that would make us like angels. We're human, and we're called to live in the tension between the two. And that's so hard!
Well, we'll see. I've just proven to myself that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, so hopefully I'll remember that as I undertake the next step in this journey toward a healthy lifestyle.
And just to take a moment and recognize it — today is my 16th day. I've already had my breakfast and lunch juices. I really did last that whole time, and never gave in to temptation.
That's pretty remarkable, you know? "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Word, yo.
— molls
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Day 15: DAS RIGHT
TWO WHOLE WEEKS. Can you believe it? I barely can. Two whole weeks without putting any junk in my body. It's hard to fathom ... I keep thinking I must've snuck myself some trashy snacks, and just forgotten about it, or done it without my conscious brain knowing about it ... but nope! Two whole weeks on nothing but pure fruit and vegetable juice.
Well, OK. I chewed two sticks of gum and on Friday put a mint in my mouth for like a minute (because I am perpetually afraid of bad breath). But that's all!! And only 1.5 days left.
I feel another shout-out is owed to Ryan & Emily, because seriously, they make me feel so encouraged & excited about what I'm doing. Y'all have no idea — nothing like showing up in a mopey mood at the theater & being met with your smiling faces. Aw, now the show is done. We'll have to plan smiling-faces reunions somewhere else.
BUT YES. Two weeks. The last couple days have definitely been easier, probably because I know I'm almost done. At the same time, though, I'm kind of dreading going back to real food. It's been very simple, very black-and-white, doing the just-juice thing. Also, since the juice gets absorbed so fast by your body, I've gotten used to feeling nice & trim & not-full in this time. Not in a bad overly-hungry way, just in a, "This is what I need to sustain myself, and I don't need to eat any more" way.
Hhhh let's see. Went to hot yoga yesterday and today at 8 a.m., and since my two-week trial ended today, I signed up for the 6-month unlimited plan. Yikes ... that's a commitment. BUT, it's good flexibility & strength-training for climbing, and hopefully I'll be nice & toned by this summer. Also, I think it's good for me to have to focus that hard. I was talking to Court about this yesterday; I worry a lot, and lately, my mind has just been whirring out of control. It's really challenging to lie in "sa va sana" pose and try to empty my brain.
Yesterday, went to the house where Court's house-sitting and made delicious-looking nut butters:
Maple almond vanilla butter, salted honey cashew butter, and plain ol' peanut butter. (That's the maple-syrup-covered almonds roasting in the photo, plus flax seed to make it creamy.) I think I want a food processor. But duuuude it was torture; they smelled amazing, but she had to try them to make sure I had the flavor & consistency right, since I'm still on the juice. I'm planning on those being my snack/lunch this week, with celery and apples and whatever else.
Also, we started learning this awesome cover of Fleet Foxes' "Tiger Mountain Peasant Song," sung by a sister duo named First Aid Kit (from Sweden; why are all these cool people from Sweden? Tallest Man on Earth is from there, too, and he's my favorite right now). I think we sound pretty good so far, and Court's great on la guitarra. The harmonies are amazing! I'll link it on here when I get back to my own computer. Also I'm going to learn the guitar, too. I don't think it'd be too hard ... just that Fmaj7 that I don't know yet.
Also I need a capo. Details, details.
First meal will be tomorrow night's dinner. I'm going to coworker Savannah's house to watch the musical episode of Buffy (no, I haven't watched Season 5 yet, but oh well) and we shall cook. I think it's gonna be stuffed acorn squash with rosemary, mushroom and cranberry stuffing. One of my healthy favorites. And for a treat (if I have any room for one), I'll try to recreate Court's delicious frozen-banana-peanut-butter ice cream. That's all it is! Frozen bananas and peanut butter, in a food processor. MAGIC. Maybe a little cinnamon, coconut, some vanilla.
Still planning on juice being two of three meals a day this week. The following week, maybe I'll get down to one meal a day; I really like juice as breakfast, but I'm also excited to try out all these fun oatmeal recipes Courtney keeps talking about. (See the Edible Perspective link up top to find those.) We shall see.
Well, I am off to Target to reward myself with some cute summer dress or one of their amazingly neon swimsuits (yes, I know summer is still a good 4 months away. Now hush).
TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I'm feelin good, y'all. I never thought I'd have it in me.
— molls
Well, OK. I chewed two sticks of gum and on Friday put a mint in my mouth for like a minute (because I am perpetually afraid of bad breath). But that's all!! And only 1.5 days left.
I feel another shout-out is owed to Ryan & Emily, because seriously, they make me feel so encouraged & excited about what I'm doing. Y'all have no idea — nothing like showing up in a mopey mood at the theater & being met with your smiling faces. Aw, now the show is done. We'll have to plan smiling-faces reunions somewhere else.
BUT YES. Two weeks. The last couple days have definitely been easier, probably because I know I'm almost done. At the same time, though, I'm kind of dreading going back to real food. It's been very simple, very black-and-white, doing the just-juice thing. Also, since the juice gets absorbed so fast by your body, I've gotten used to feeling nice & trim & not-full in this time. Not in a bad overly-hungry way, just in a, "This is what I need to sustain myself, and I don't need to eat any more" way.
Hhhh let's see. Went to hot yoga yesterday and today at 8 a.m., and since my two-week trial ended today, I signed up for the 6-month unlimited plan. Yikes ... that's a commitment. BUT, it's good flexibility & strength-training for climbing, and hopefully I'll be nice & toned by this summer. Also, I think it's good for me to have to focus that hard. I was talking to Court about this yesterday; I worry a lot, and lately, my mind has just been whirring out of control. It's really challenging to lie in "sa va sana" pose and try to empty my brain.
Yesterday, went to the house where Court's house-sitting and made delicious-looking nut butters:
Maple almond vanilla butter, salted honey cashew butter, and plain ol' peanut butter. (That's the maple-syrup-covered almonds roasting in the photo, plus flax seed to make it creamy.) I think I want a food processor. But duuuude it was torture; they smelled amazing, but she had to try them to make sure I had the flavor & consistency right, since I'm still on the juice. I'm planning on those being my snack/lunch this week, with celery and apples and whatever else.
Also, we started learning this awesome cover of Fleet Foxes' "Tiger Mountain Peasant Song," sung by a sister duo named First Aid Kit (from Sweden; why are all these cool people from Sweden? Tallest Man on Earth is from there, too, and he's my favorite right now). I think we sound pretty good so far, and Court's great on la guitarra. The harmonies are amazing! I'll link it on here when I get back to my own computer. Also I'm going to learn the guitar, too. I don't think it'd be too hard ... just that Fmaj7 that I don't know yet.
Also I need a capo. Details, details.
First meal will be tomorrow night's dinner. I'm going to coworker Savannah's house to watch the musical episode of Buffy (no, I haven't watched Season 5 yet, but oh well) and we shall cook. I think it's gonna be stuffed acorn squash with rosemary, mushroom and cranberry stuffing. One of my healthy favorites. And for a treat (if I have any room for one), I'll try to recreate Court's delicious frozen-banana-peanut-butter ice cream. That's all it is! Frozen bananas and peanut butter, in a food processor. MAGIC. Maybe a little cinnamon, coconut, some vanilla.
Still planning on juice being two of three meals a day this week. The following week, maybe I'll get down to one meal a day; I really like juice as breakfast, but I'm also excited to try out all these fun oatmeal recipes Courtney keeps talking about. (See the Edible Perspective link up top to find those.) We shall see.
Well, I am off to Target to reward myself with some cute summer dress or one of their amazingly neon swimsuits (yes, I know summer is still a good 4 months away. Now hush).
TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I'm feelin good, y'all. I never thought I'd have it in me.
— molls
Friday, February 24, 2012
Day 13: Into the home stretch
Welp, it's been almost two weeks, and I'm feeling good today. Yesterday was a pretty solid day, probably because I stayed fairly busy; was chasing down a story on fetal deaths at work (and I'm excited about that story; looks like Yakima has a higher-than-average rate, and the nurses I talked to were some of my favorite sources ever) and then had the play last night, so that kept my brain occupied for all the hours that I'm normally prone to that downward spiral.
Bummed, though, because I didn't make it to hot yoga this morning! Dangit. For some reason, every time I need to wake up super early, my brain decides to shift into hyperdrive, and won't shut off until the wee hours of the morning. This morning, right as it was shutting off (around midnight) my brother called me from Afghanistan. Which is awesome! I haven't heard from him in a long time, though he's called my parents, so I was really happy to talk to him, but it did throw off my sleep schedule even more. I don't actually recall falling asleep ... I just remember my alarm going off at 4:15 for yoga. I woke up, but somehow turned off my alarm and fell asleep, and didn't wake up til 5:27 ... too late for 5 a.m. yoga. Lame. Probably good, though, because I at least got a couple hours of sleep.
Mark's doing well, by the way, but I feel bad for him; he says it's freezing where they are, and they just have a tent, and they wake up all through the night because they're shivering so hard. Pray for warmth & continued safety ... poor widdle brudda.
But yes — juicing. I'm excited because other people are wanting to get in on the juice thing (Ryan & Emily!!) (also Tyler!) and I hope it works out well for them. Probably no one else will be as bipolar as I have been ... haha. I hope not, at least. I just way underestimated my emotional attachment to food, or how much I use food as comfort. But I feel good, like my body's working the way it should, and I want other people to experience that.
I'm expecting the juice thing to be fairly easy for these last 3-4 days; it's always less hectic over the weekend, since I don't have to prepare everything ahead of time (although I need to avoid last weekend's mistake, and make sure I don't skip a meal or go to the grocery store hungry). Court & I are gonna do yoga tomorrow morning then hang out & make our own peanut or almond butter, so that'll be fun (I want to have it ready for next week, when I plan to snack on celery and apples with peanut butter) and then the last night of the play is tomorrow night. Sunday is the last full day of juicing, and I'll have 5th Act and yoga to take up time, then I'm planning on Monday's dinner being real food.
Hokay, well, off to write about dead babies (not funny) (but hey, in the newspaper business, crudeness is the name of the game).
Three days left!
— molls
Bummed, though, because I didn't make it to hot yoga this morning! Dangit. For some reason, every time I need to wake up super early, my brain decides to shift into hyperdrive, and won't shut off until the wee hours of the morning. This morning, right as it was shutting off (around midnight) my brother called me from Afghanistan. Which is awesome! I haven't heard from him in a long time, though he's called my parents, so I was really happy to talk to him, but it did throw off my sleep schedule even more. I don't actually recall falling asleep ... I just remember my alarm going off at 4:15 for yoga. I woke up, but somehow turned off my alarm and fell asleep, and didn't wake up til 5:27 ... too late for 5 a.m. yoga. Lame. Probably good, though, because I at least got a couple hours of sleep.
Mark's doing well, by the way, but I feel bad for him; he says it's freezing where they are, and they just have a tent, and they wake up all through the night because they're shivering so hard. Pray for warmth & continued safety ... poor widdle brudda.
But yes — juicing. I'm excited because other people are wanting to get in on the juice thing (Ryan & Emily!!) (also Tyler!) and I hope it works out well for them. Probably no one else will be as bipolar as I have been ... haha. I hope not, at least. I just way underestimated my emotional attachment to food, or how much I use food as comfort. But I feel good, like my body's working the way it should, and I want other people to experience that.
I'm expecting the juice thing to be fairly easy for these last 3-4 days; it's always less hectic over the weekend, since I don't have to prepare everything ahead of time (although I need to avoid last weekend's mistake, and make sure I don't skip a meal or go to the grocery store hungry). Court & I are gonna do yoga tomorrow morning then hang out & make our own peanut or almond butter, so that'll be fun (I want to have it ready for next week, when I plan to snack on celery and apples with peanut butter) and then the last night of the play is tomorrow night. Sunday is the last full day of juicing, and I'll have 5th Act and yoga to take up time, then I'm planning on Monday's dinner being real food.
Hokay, well, off to write about dead babies (not funny) (but hey, in the newspaper business, crudeness is the name of the game).
Three days left!
— molls
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Day 12: Gonnamakeit, gonnamakeit
This is a good illustration of how I feel (minus the crappy filming-a-TV-screen video): It's Steve Martin in the *classic* The Three Amigos, after he's been imprisoned by the evil El Guapo during a rescue attempt for the lovely Carmen.
And he's "gonnamakeit!"
But then sometimes he's not.
But then he is!
Yep.
— molls
And he's "gonnamakeit!"
But then sometimes he's not.
But then he is!
Yep.
— molls
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
downs & ups
For the sake of keeping track of myself on this thing ... ugh. Tonight after work, after I tried to pick up my mentee and she wasn't there, my mood started to turn, then Ash Wednesday service just turned me inward & upset & self-pitying, again, (must be my favorite mindset, that one) and I had to just get out of there and like ... I was just exhausted by the whole thing. By the emotional merry-go-round this whole thing has been; by the act of having to juice & get everything planned out and ready ahead of time & having to schedule life around that; and by just the self-scrutiny this whole thing has brought on. It wasn't supposed to be for spiritual reasons! I wanted to do this cleanse to keep myself from eating Oreos all the time & to get rid of my headaches. I'm sick of analyzing my thoughts and my heart and where I am with God and how much I fall short. That's all I'm thinking about! (In this moment, at least; it's sure to change in the next 30 seconds, and I'm sick of that too. I'm getting emotional whiplash.) And I hate that all I do is complain. Blogs are for personal expression, I guess, so maybe it's all right to complain here, but I'm getting sick of hearing myself talk to other people about this. No one else really gets it, because (a) they're not going through it and (b) they're not me, and YES I know how self-indulgent and whiny and "wah wah poor me" I sound right now, and I hate that even more, but I'm trying to be honest in this. I got in my car after church tonight and just broke down because I felt so weak and disgusted with my weakness, and self-centered and disgusted with my self-centeredness, and just ... both utterly helpless and utterly aware that I did in fact have the power to right my mood if I wanted to. And crying for no good reason makes me feel even more like shit. Jesus, could I be any more of a hormonally imbalanced female?
UGH.
— molls
UGH.
— molls
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